On Planet Crabby it goes without saying that everybody's
crabby. All the time.
Let me give you a few examples. On Planet Crabby when
somebody pulls up too far at a stoplight and you have to go two
feet out into the intersection outside the white lines while
crossing, you stop and stand in front of the driver's side shaking
your finger for four or five minutes while they and the 23 cars
behind them lean on their horns. If a child doesn't color between
the lines you point it out to them, kindly but firmly. And if you
have to stand in line you shift your weight backward and
forward backward and forward in one continuous uneasy motion.
Everyone else in line is doing exactly the same thing.
On Planet Crabby all the stores only sell seconds and
remaindered merchandise. Everything has something minor
wrong with it. The plates are chipped, the designs noticeably
off vcenter, the artificial Xmas trees are lopsided. All the
lighting is fluorescent, causing a high rate of miscarriages
among shoppers. On Planet Crabby every mall is the saddest
On Planet Crabby a boy met a girl and a girl met a boy but
neither couple got anywhere because they dismissed their
prospective partner as just plain too crabby. Alternative
arrangements were unthinkable. This happened a number of
On Planet Crabby nobody uses dental floss, but it's okay,
because the water is flurodated. Everybody drinks a lot of black
coffee. People there wear too tight clothing nd know how to
type perfectly. Organization is more than a virtue on Planet
crabby -- it's a necessity.
Planet Crabby runs according to type. Everyone's a day late
and two cents short. On Planet Crabby the Red Button has been
pushed twentyseven times so far but outside forces anticipated
the situation and rewired the circuit so everytime it's pushed,
the light in a broom closet in a basement somewhere goes on or
off. It is currently dark.
Planet Crabby is run entirely by suggestion box, but all
forms must be submitted in triplicare. You are allowed six
suggestions per pay period.
Despite what you might think, no one walks sideways on
Planet Crabby. The sky is generally unchanging. Sometimes
there are submarines.
Another time on Planet Crabby somebody met somebody and
they just never got along together very well so they broke up
after three weeks.
On Planet Crabby a rose is a rose. A little wilted.
On Planet Crabby no one is obvious and no one is elliptical.
Conversation runs smoothly. The newscasts are remarkably
easy to understand.
On Planet Crabby there's a lot of early morning phone calls.
Everyone has a clock. No one has a radio. Microwaves are a hot
item among the consumers of Planet Crabby.
On Planet Crabby everybody calls a spade a shovel.
The longest lasting romance on Planet Crabby was held by
two people for three months and then they shot each other in a
restaurant. No one else has lasted that long. As they say on
Planet Crabby, "Who'd want to?"
There are no guidebooks to Planet Crabby. You're there on
your own. Sometimes it's better to go with the flow. Other
times not. It's up to you. Be honest. I too have had romances of
the surface of that world.
© Copyright 1999 Cat Francis.